Clementine’s Cowardly Cauldron, by Saffron Booth

Clementine is a witch, Witches wear long black robes and pointed hats. Clementine wears a three quarter length, pink frilled, aquamarine maxi dress. Her hat is made of ‘froo froo feathers’, which she wears at an attractive angle.

Witches have long, crooked, wart covered noses, with crooked, black teeth. Clementine cleanses, tones and moisturises twice a day and never misses a dental appointment.

Witches turn people into frogs, Clementine prefers fluffy yellow chicks. Witches keep snarling black cats as pets. Clementine has Fudgy, a pure white, perfectly behaved Pomeranian.

Clementine’s magic is not really her strong point (not good for a witch). Her weather spell was a disaster; 3 feet of snow fell on a beach in Barbados, a heatwave hit the Swiss Alps, leaving hundreds of skiers stranded and a hurricane hit the Sahara desert, causing all the sand to disappear (they still haven’t found it).

One day Clementine received a delivery from Whizzpots, suppliers of all things Magic. It was so heavy it bent the delivery wizards wand. Clementine clapped her perfectly manicured hands and squealed, “Oh wonderful, my new cauldron” (her old one was so fed up of being blown up, it ran away). Desperate to make a new batch of everlasting perfume (the last lot evaporated after an hour), Clementine unwrapped the shiny cauldron.

“Twelve red roses from the everlasting rose bush,” sang Clementine as her pink passion nailed fingers dropped petals in the cauldron. “Three drops of silver glow from the everglowing dragonfly”, she grimaced. “Two pinches of screaming scarab fish scales fermented in Dodo blood” she retched.

“Agh, you’re not putting that in me”, yelped the cauldron, spitting out the fish scales all over Clementine’s chintz rug.

Everytime Clementine tried to mix a potion, it was the same thing.

“Tongues of sliverbirds”, “Nah”

“Eye of horned-toed vulture”, “Help”

Even poisonberry particles, which are actually quite delicious, turned Clementine’s caludron into a quivering wreck.

Clementine rang the CEH, Cauldron Emergency Helpline. “Hello, cauldron carers, how can we help you”? said a voice down the magiphone. Clementine’s perfectly painted mouth twitched with embarrassment as she explained the problem. “Mmm, cowardly cauldron syndrome, very rare, only had 2 cases before. Spell no’ 3579, the ancient reversal spell should do the trick” said the cauldron carer.

Back at her pretty little cottage, Clementine tapped out 3579 in witches code. Clementine’s spell book flew open at the ancient reversal spell. Clementine faced the cauldron and said in her best commanding voice,

“Mustard, custard

Sea green snake

from good to bad

of you I’ll make”.

A puff of green smoke revealed a huge slithering green snake in the place of the cauldron.

After a calming cup of chamomile tea, Clementine picked up her lace covered wand, faced the trembling cauldron and tried again.

“Timble tumble,

Tic tac toe,

With a trip and a trap,

away you go”

FLASH BANG, through the yellow mist Clementine came face to face with two glowing red eyes and a snarling, slathering mouth full of sharp teeth.

“Feed me some lizard gullets NOW”, boomed the not so cowardly cauldron.

Clementine ran out of the kitchen screaming.

After three days of feeding the ghastly cauldron, rotten dragon claws, bulbous braybugs and jellied jaybirds, Clementine’s house was a mess, and so was Clementine. She had had enough.

Flipping through the spell book she spotted, ‘make something right, that was right in the first place’ spell. “That’s it”, she cried. “Now to put grizzlyguts to sleep”, she sniggered as she added super strength knockout drops onto cauldron’s extra fat slitherworms.

The greedy cauldron devoured the snack and within seconds was snoring, loudly. trying very hard to remember everything her ‘Godwitch’ had taught her, Clementine began the chant;

“She sells, sea shells

bing bang bong,

Peter Piper’s Pickles

say it quickly and you’re gone”.

Nothing happened. Clementine began again, louder and faster;

“SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS

BING BANG BONG”.

One red eye opened,

“PETER PIPER’S PICKLES”.

Grinding teeth, twitching legs,

Clementine sped up her wand waving,

“SAY IT QUICKLY”.

By now a fully awake, fully furious, seething, snapping, cauldron was getting ready to pounce.

AND YOU’RE GONE”.

The beast leaped in the air, Clementine screamed as the room filled with a sickly purple smoke.

Clementine’s cauldron sits in the garden, filled with Clementine’s everlasting flowers. Of course the flowers have to be replaced every 10 days.

by Saffron Booth